a secret

Sometimes, a lot of times actually, I imagine myself in a whole different way. Accomplishing things that never, ever in my dreams would I accomplish presently. Meeting people that I have idolized since I was little. Changing the world somehow. Making my family proud and being proud of myself.
I imagine a person that could be anyone. Someone being accomplished enough to be on Ellen, to have her think I'm amazing. Or being friends with stars, my age, that have accomplished so much (Daniel Radcliffe, Colin Morgan, Darren Criss, Skandar Keynes to name a few). Even something as small as being asked out on a date... and not having to ask the guy out. Being noticed. Being worthwhile.

Looking at yourself in the mirror and thinking... Wow... my life is a dream.

It's not that I'm not proud of what I've done. My life is amazing. Yes I have gone on dates (even if I ask the guy). I have a wonderful family. My little brothers (both with special needs) have inspired me to do so much. I am a Special Ed major, a career choice I love. But sometimes school is so hard... and I feel so behind. And I don't understand some things... and it makes me think. What if I can't be a special ed teacher? What if I never make it? What if I do become a teacher and can't help those kids? What if I don't know what to do?

AND THAT'S JUST BEING A TEACHER.... someone who gets paid squat to help children who have fallen through the cracks... who have no one else become something. Just because she wants to make a difference. 

But what if I can't? What if I don't make a difference??
 
It is so much easier to just pretend I'm someone special. To imagine what it would be like if I actually had pursued singing, or practiced enough on my violin to be amazing at it. Or if I had followed my little kid heart to act in a movie (the funny thing is, I was as shy as hell). Or if I had put more effort to get my poetry and short stories published. Or maybe now, if I pursued dancing. Would I have been able to change the world then? 

I just.... I just wish that I could accomplish something completely and utterly amazing. And I feel like I haven't done that yet. And maybe I just don't work hard enough. I'm sure I could do more, maybe push myself harder. 

I hope people are proud of me. Because I want them to be. I want to be successful and show the world that I am amazing. Even if no one else thinks so.