Adam's funeral was beautiful. So many people spoke and said such wonderful things about him. He had a full military escort and got military honors. I've never had to do something so hard as to watch him go. To know I would never see him again. The entire time I only wished he could hug me and hold me. They way he would when he would comfort me whenever I was sad. It's hard for me, to think that he will never do that again. Sometimes I keep thinking he's still alive, and only in the military... I keep thinking I will get a friendly good morning text, or a random "I love you." But it never happens. I hate facing reality like that.
I got his engagement ring. He bought me an engagement ring forever ago. I found out about it in a way he would rather not have had me find out. He put me as his "second" when he bought the ring, and when he transferred from Oklahoma to Virginia, he forgot to tell the jewelry his address so he could pay them. So they sent me a notice, saying "This is what he bought, how much he owes, can you inform us of his address?" I called him as soon as I could, demanding an explanation. He was so funny when he was trying to tell me it was nothing. After he knew that I knew about it, he never stopped hounding me about marrying him. That Christmas (Christmas 2010). He pulled me into his kitchen and proposed to me, just alone. Nothing elaborate. I had told him not to propose cause I wasn't ready (I was still only 18), but he did anyway. I answered, "Possibly, but not right now." He smiled and replied. "That's still a yes." And put it on my finger. Then when his parents got home, he took it and put it back where it belonged. Well, I have it now. His parents gave it to me, when I visited Utah. It's the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen. I don't really want to take it off. I've been wearing it, and I've been thinking I will until I feel like dating again. :/ ah.... dating.... I don't really want to date anymore. It's hard because I wonder how I could love someone else as much as I loved Adam..... Ah well, everyone says it will come with time.... I will just have to see if time helps.
Sorry about that long shpeel. I just type without thinking sometimes. Either way, he bought me that ring and it is pretty. So along with spending a lot of days holed up in my room, these past couple of weeks, I've had some amazing friends. I always knew they were amazing, but I think they put amazing to a whole new level. For the first week after Adam passed, they made sure I was smiling, keeping me busy. And when I do get down on myself, I get a whole lot of crap from them. They won't let me. It's nice to have them keeping an eye on me. I am especially grateful to Scott. He came to the funeral with me from Colorado. Dealt with the uncomfortable confines of my little brothers room. And made a great crying shoulder when I needed one. He also kept me smiling through that hard weekend. He will be serving an LDS mission in Australia at the end of the summer. It will be strange to not have him hanging out. But, really those Australians are super lucky to have him.
So, This next coming week I will finally be going up to the Summer Camp I'm working at. For however many of you read this.... You should all know that I try and work at summer camps every summer. Last year I worked at one in Utah, this year I'm trying one out in Colorado. I was supposed to start camp May 29th, however, Adam passed away the 28th. I couldn't start work, I was not in a state to be able to. I contacted my boss. She has been amazing to work with. She told me to take my time, and when I was ready they would find a spot for me. Wow. So, now I'm going to try my hand at working. I think it will do me some good to be serving youth again. I love it, that's why I'm going into an Eled Teaching Degree. So, I will finally be working at the summer camp. And then right after that, I will be going straight back to college.
I wanted to inform everyone.... I am doing better. Of course I'm not the same. I'm still not okay... I don't know how long it will take for me to be okay. But, I'm doing better. I'm pushing through things, and I'm able to smile again. I think about Adam constantly... I talk to him constantly too. I know he can hear me. Sometimes I tease him... or joke. It's strange to think that I will never live my life with him the way I thought I would. I had the names of our kids picked out, the wedding planned (in my head) and everything. So, it is weird for me to have to figure out a whole new plan... for me to have to start again. But, I think I can do it. I'm finally taking the steps to. Which is good.
Thanks for all your support. I'm glad to have so many people watching out for me. I will hopefully type up a new update soon.
Also, here is a photo montage of me and Adam. I couldn't help it. I wanted to put it up. These are all my favorite pictures of us. :) They make me smile. It also helps to know that these things actually happened. That I actually did fall in love with a real person and not a figment of my imagination.
Adam James Armstrong Jan. 9, 1992 - May 28, 2011
